One of the greatest struggles many of us deal with on a daily basis is how to let go of things we are unable to control. We’ve often been taught that letting go of control goes directly against our modernized, industrialized way of living — after all, we always strive to remain the architects of our destiny. That’s what I learned growing up from teachers, magazines, songs, movies and so on, at least. My DNA simply did not allow things to merely happen on their own, and I had never been one to sit back and passively let go of control in the first place. Over the years, however, my perspective has significantly shifted (for the better). I’ve learned that a great deal of the control we believe we don’t have over our lives is nothing but an illusion. If you also struggle to cope with difficult situations that are beyond your control, continue reading for tips on how to overcome this.
As time goes by, I realize more and more that there are always going to be aspects of my life that are completely out of my control. I honestly feel like learning how to “go with the flow” and take things as they come are some of the most undervalued life skills around. I’ve always been that person who constantly makes lists, keeps a weekly agenda and needs to know plans — no matter how small or big. From something as routine as being cut off on the road to something as difficult as losing a friend, life is full of bad things we are unable to control.
No matter what these uncontrollable occurrences are, the larger question people have is how to effectively handle something they cannot change. Focus for a moment on what I like to think of as “the story,” or, our interpretation of what has just happened. In these circumstances, everyone tells themselves a story of some sort — “I hate driving. I clearly don’t belong on the road; I got cut off because I was driving too slow,” or, “I lost my friend because I don’t deserve anything good in life; I can’t do anything right.” The first step in dealing with these types of situations that are beyond our control is to pay close attention to what narrative we are constructing.
To put it simply, stuff happens. Oftentimes, difficult stuff happens that we not only didn’t see coming and did absolutely nothing wrong to deserve, but also have no control to stop. It’s pretty common to lose sight of our logic when life throws us an unpleasant curve ball. We may go into superhero mode and try to save the day, or, worse and unfortunately more likely, obsessively analyze what happened while the rest of our lives get neglected. The result? More anxiety and stress that we can handle. Now, we not only have a bad situation on our hands, but all the side effects that worry brings, including tension, mood swings, discontent with life, and sleeplessness.
While it’s difficult to avoid the natural human tendency to react, what we can do is reference approaches that can keep us from getting stuck in our stress response. This way, we can move through anything that may come our way, while coming out the other side in one piece. Here are my top tips.
- Do a 180 with your focus by placing your attention on what is in front of you right now. If we tend to worry too much about what might be, and wonder too long about what might have been, we’ll likely ignore and completely miss what is. Keep in mind that worrying is a great misuse of our time and creative energy. Instead of imagining the worst — whether about events of the past or the future — imagine the best of what you have now and how you can continue to bring it out. Most of our anxieties are over things we can’t change (the past) or things we can’t predict (the future). By putting our focus on what is in front of us right this moment, we can hear our thoughts and feelings more clearly, make choices that suit us better and create the headspace to make wiser decisions that result in more positive outcomes moving forward. Most of our stress comes directly from the way we think and respond — not the way life is. Being mindful and adjusting our attitude will help us let go and move on.
- Get rid of your inner victim. When life becomes too overwhelming, it often feels easier to just step back and assume we can’t do anything to feel better. This is a form of victim mode, where you give up your power and control and stop trying to think of how to cope with what’s happening. Falling into the victim trap often happens when we pretend everything is fine and choose to feel sorry for ourselves, instead of processing our feelings of being vulnerable and scared. It truly helps to face our feelings instead of repress them — if you worry that processing the situation will overwhelm you, consider finding a stress support group, going to a therapist or just venting to a close friend or family member. Remember: we have the power to choose our next step in life even if we can’t change the one that came before.
- Be honest — on paper. When we’re under stress, the natural tendency is to talk things through with our friends and loved ones. If you’re not the type of person who finds this helpful, you fall right into the victim trap or you’re easily influenced by the way others around you think you should deal with your situation, you will lose sight of your own instincts. Writing things down on paper can be an incredibly beneficial way to gain clarity and keep the thoughts in your mind honest and straightforward. It’s as if the process of moving our thoughts from mind to hand make it harder for us to lie to ourselves.
- Identify and be honest with your fears. Do you find yourself predicting catastrophic outcomes or doubting your ability to cope with an undesirable one? Usually, the worst case scenario isn’t as terrible as you might imagine. Quite often, people are thinking, “this is going to be awful,” that they forget to take the time to ask themselves, “what would I do if the worst case scenario did come true?” Perhaps we’d struggle for a bit, but there’s a great chance we are mentally strong enough to get right back up again. Acknowledging that we can handle anything troubling that may come our way can help us put our energy into more productive places.
- Create a stress management plan. Whether life is going grand or you’re going through some rollercoasters, stress management strategies are essential to performing at your peak — in every part of your life. Exercising, eating well, taking time to enjoy your hobbies and getting plenty of sleep are just a few key things we need to do in order to take care of ourselves. It’s very helpful to schedule ample time to engage in healthy stress relievers. Whether you enjoy yoga, want to get together with friends who bring positivity to your life or partake in things like painting or knitting, make time for those activities regardless of how busy you are.
- Develop healthy mottos. Scientists estimate people have about 70,000 thoughts per day, and many of those thoughts can provoke feelings of self-doubt, fear and discouragement. By keeping a few positive healthy affirmations on hand, we can help combat negative thinking. Whether you remind yourself, “I’m stronger than I think,” or, “I know I can handle this,” your affirmations can help drown out negative energy. With practice, we can train our brains to think differently — more positive — and we’ll begin to accept that while we aren’t able to control every situation, we can control how we think, feel and behave.
The bottom line is, there is so much in life that’s beyond our control that ends up keeping us up at night, resulting in making us feel anxious and sleep deprived. I hope with these tips, you can cope with life’s struggles and be on your way to a more positive path that you deserve!